Once Upon a Time...

The sun bid me farewell not too long ago. Now all I see is the overwhelming bright light coming from the overhead lights at the soccer field by my apartment. Often I look out onto the field from the window by my bed and I think about the years I spent running and kicking and praying for goals and assists and wins. Often I think about how much of my life was defined by those practices and weekends. I think about how much of me could be defined in the smell of sweat and the sound of cheering. Three leaf clovers down my shinguards. Gatorade on my lips. mud on my knee caps. I think about how much of me were those things and how now I am none of them.
I think about the fact that I would sit and read poetry and write, and I think about the joy words brought me- How I once would see characters and hear voices, and how that wasn't strange, but wonderful....and how I don't hear them anymore.
I think about the fact that I used to rollerblade every morning as the sun began to rise high into the sky. Skates haven't touched my feet in years.
I often feel very similar to Alice in Alice in Wonderland. I am chasing after something I cannot grasp- chasing after time both forwards and backwards- constantly growing and shrinking;constantly changing into something different.
When I was little I was convinced that trees could talk and that when I whispered the wind would hear my words and whisper them to the trees. I wish so badly I could believe that still. I sometimes wish that I hadn't any logic at all, and that I could believe in myself like I did when I was young. I wish I could believe in myself period.
I am insecure. I am raw. I am afraid of the things God wants me to do and I am afraid of failure. I feel a deep desire to write, and yet I am afraid to write what I feel and what I know and what is real. I am afraid of what people will think of me. I am afraid I'm not pretty enough or smart enough or good enough. I am mostly afraid that I am losing myself. I am afraid that I will never hear the voices again- that I will, like Alice, find myself in a Wonderland, only that I will not change back into my original size- that I will stay small forever. But maybe that's part of it...that fear- that lack of self confidence that pushes us to be bigger than what we are and what we think we can do. Perhaps it is the losing of ourself and the finding of ourselves that mold us into one self. Am I pushing that idea? Perhaps I am being too philosophical (If I could even be philosophical to begin with...I have never understood a word Socrates has wrote).
Today I wore bibs and boots and waded in a creek and caught fish and held a snake and ate icecream and am now writing a long run on sentence that would make my mother chastize me severely. I can't help but think that the girl who wore rollerblades would have very much liked today. Maybe I haven't lost myself quite as much as I thought.

Old and New.

"We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year's Day."--Edith Lovejoy Pierce

January has begun to come faster as I've grown older. Did it not seem like just yesterday or at least a few weeks ago that January was here? It's funny how a whole year can seem to pass without us even realizing it. I was sitting at my college group Bible study last night and I began to ponder the idea of living every day without thinking about the next. Not just the idea of being content, but just really enjoying it! January 1st I was already counting down the amount of weeks I had until my semester was over. I have twenty. Incase you were wondering. I came to and scolded myself. "Audrey! You just flew through 20 weeks of your life! You disgarded anything wonderful, anything new and exciting- you didn't think of all the awesome things God could do in those twenty weeks." I'm always trying to "get through things." Why? This was what I was pondering, and I decided that this is going to be my new years resolution.
When I was younger I would write out a list of new years resolutions in my journal. They would normally consist of things like, "Spend more time with God." "Exercise." "Be nicer to my brothers." "Read my Bible." None of these are bad things, however, I would write them down and forget about them. I was recently online looking at some other blogs and a friend of mine said that her teacher had once told her to make 100 resolutions- they could even be silly ones. I don't know that I could make 100 off the top of my head, but I've decided I would make 20- the amount of weeks I was trying to ignore. These are the goals I have for my semester of College:

• Write. Write until my fingers are covered in ink. Write until I have words floating all in my head. Write until something is finished.
• Form a Secret Society...and actually keep it a secret. Discuss literature and life...and drink cups of tea or coffee. Take time to really love people; to really see their hearts.
• Get on facebook less-have actual conversations more.
• Exercise more often; but do it not to fit into a pair of jeans or a skirt...but to honor God. How can I serve him with an unfit and unhealthy self?
• Don't dwell on getting past things. Don't dwell on reaching the beginning of summer.
• Read more. Learn more. Think more.
• Explore Cleveland.
• Go Hiking.
• Create a piece of artwork.
• Have a picnic with those I love.
• Keep better touch with my family. (possibly through the updating of this blog?)
• Express my friendship to those around me.
• Have a ballin' time with my friends at The Nursing Home. Establish the "Adopt a Grandparent Program."
• Expose myself to different kinds of music.
• Read a How To Book from the Library. Such as :How to tie Knots.
• Cook new things.
• Do something that I would normally never do- whether it be good or bad.
• Keep my clothes from piling up by my bed.... :)
• Take a walk in golden light.
• Make All A's

2009 was one of the most incredible years of my life thus far. I guess that isn't saying much considering I've only been alive 19 years, but it was a goodie, for sure. Before I quit writing, I'd like to shar a little bit of what I learned, experienced, and did.

• I began the year off in Bolivia, South America. I was surrounded by awesome people. We yelled and whooped and then fell asleep and woke up early and worked with children.
• I hiked in the Andes Mountains and visited a prison. I sobbed on a bathroom floor afterwards and asked God why I was one of the lucky ones.
• God put a calling on my life to minister to women who had abortions...to take care of and stand up for the babies that are killed.
• I ran away from this calling.
• I let some situations really get to me...I let them dictate how I acted. I cried a lot. I sat in my closet at school and prayed. I sat in the laundry room floor with a friend and cried. I stood in my shower and prayed AND cried. Through it all, I learned that God is always there
• I felt called back to Bolivia in May. I was blessed with the money and went on a trip of only 10 people. It was the beginning of a lot of healing. The last semester of school had made me feel dead. I had no emotion, no life left in me. The renewing began here.
• God once again reminded me of my calling. I asked him why. He said it didn't matter. I asked him to tell me how. Instead, the wind just blew. I sat on a mountain top and screamed at Him and finally got the peace that I didn't have to know how things would happen as long as I walked in faith.
• I learned that there is no fear in the kingdom of God.
• I held a 3 month old baby in a prison and sobbed. But this baby is what broke down the barrier I had been placing between God's will for my life and my selfish desires. His name was Justin: "Justice."
• I worked at a camp. I was partly running away from relationships. I told myself that I needed to get away from people- that I needed to find myself again in the woods. I found more than myself. I found out what I am capable of. I found out that I am strong. I might have been running away from the struggles of that last semester, but God showed me the struggles of others and blessed me by letting me play a role in their healing. I became a part of a family. They will always be deer to me. (Get it, haha "deer" "Deer Run" :-D)
• I cut down a tree with a chain saw. (Mind, you...it was a small tree haha)
• I canoed every day with five year olds. I would sit and listen to their dreams. I loved hearing their plans and ideas. I wish everyone had the faith of a child.
• I got caught in the woods in a rain storm.
• I got hit in the gut with a paintball...numerous times.
• I caught a 5 lb Big mouth Bass. I named him Joey.
• I slept under the stars.
• I sang in front of people for the first time in a long time. Brando helped me.
• I studied harder for math tests harder than I've ever studied. I made an A in the class.
• I formed new friendships.
• I got my first dog.
• I played games with my family.
• I laughed with my brothers.

I think I've had a pretty awesome year. I've grown a ton, dreamed a ton, and loved a ton. I look forward to seeing what this next year brings. Now if I could only remember to write 2010 as the date.